What love is and what love is not – Part II

1) I believe that for any positive relationship, especially a romantic one to thrive, ALL people who are party to the relationship, must first love themselves healthily and correctly. They first must possess the basic virtues of being a loving person for themselves and within themselves. We all know what the hallmarks of a healthy loving relationship are – consistent and ever-present – compassion, empathy, generosity, kindness, reciprocity, positive validation, communication, active listening, and other wholesome virtues.

How will you know that someone loves themselves?
a) The only indicator, I believe, of someone loving themselves correctly is how they want to be remembered by those whose life crosses their path in their life journey. How well they want to be spoken of.
b) Critically, this is a much-personalized assessment. They must want YOU, the person they say they love, to remember them well. They must want you to associate their brand only with wholesome virtues of consistency – in compassion, empathy, kindness, generosity, reciprocity, etc.
c) People who love you, consistently make you a priority in their lives, they will not eat without knowing that you have access to food. They will not sleep under a safe roof, without making sure you are safe too. They facilitate your growth, development, capacity, and capabilities. They support your ambitions, dreams, and interests. They celebrate your triumphs. They try to understand and validate your frustrations. They are never withholding things that matter – conversations, praise, compliments. You never leave love’s presence feeling marginal, less than, or ugly. Love never diminishes your self-worth.
d)     At any time in the relationship you’re asked the question of whether they consistently model these virtues to you. The answer must be a resounding, yes – “Used to be, might be, or could be” doesn’t count in healthy loving relationships. “Consistently is” – is the only answer that is acceptable.

We can’t expect people to give what they lack. One can never build a healthy and correctly loving relationship with someone who’s determined that they remember them in an opposite way. At any time in a relationship these are missing, be vigilant, you are in the presence of love that doesn’t love themselves, therefore by extension will not love you.

I also caution her that – “Once you start setting boundaries of what healthy and correct love looks like, you will be met with opposition. People will come out in their numbers to tell you to “compromise” because LIFE IS HARD”.
To that you answer emphatically – Yes life is hard however, relationships with others should never be hard. Relationships with others are meant to ONLY give us peace of mind and shield us from life’s hardships, not to add layers of hardships to a life that is already hard.

I tell my Ramo to always choose, to love and nurture herself correctly so that others can love and nurture her correctly.
#16daysofactivism